If love had a price, I would glady pay.

Dead inside. Crushing loneliness. Thats my current emotional situation. Nothing seems so excite anymore. Even the music has lost most of its feeling, if not all. My life is just going doing my job, F'ing recruits. However, what hurts the most is that my weekends seem to have no one. Not a single person i can rely on to go out with, or while away the time. Everyone has drifted apart. Not surprising, considering it has already been one year since school ended.
Everyone left in Singapore is getting more screwed up. Lucy is long gone, and so is ads. Vic is still trying to fill up that gap in her heart. We are so alike, yet different. Wes said that he had no idea why we were friends in the first place, seeing that we are so different. However what i think that even though we have not really much comman topic to talk about, are feelings are basically the same. Thats why we keep on going back to that topic of feelings and relationships. Other than that, I really don't think that we have anything else in comman.
Thats why I'm trying to avoid her. Just break all contact, just like Jaime. She obviously is doing fine with her life at the moment, friends and all. Never even called me once to go out. This is why I'm feeling like shit now. We are supposed to be like good friends, but not one of my "good friends" ever bothered to ask me to go out. Just once it would be nice for someone to call you to go out and catch a show or something to that extent. I'm even fine with just chilling out. No one, not a single soul even bothers to ask how I'm doing.

Can't you hear my silent cries?

My tears that I shed as I wait for people who are never going to come. No one bothers to buy me a present for my birthday, or christmas for that matter. Not even my parents. Just once, it would be nice if someone bothered to put in the effort to do something special. Not for anything, but because of love, or even friendship. At most, its only stupid fb birthday wishes.

I'm not sure if you call this emoing, or even depression, but the feelings of lonliness seems too much to bear. It just seems so much. I'd rather spend my time chongswa. I hate weekends. Its the time when you dont have anyone. YOU THINK I LIKE SPENDING MY TIME AT THE COMPUTER MOM? Its just i have no one to go out with. Everyone is so busy with their own things that they can just overlook.

You know, I've forgotten what it feels like to be alive for so long. To laugh clearly and loudly and so carefree. Everything seems so have some dark cloud hanging. I JUST NEED A GIRLFRIEND. Call me selfish, say that its all for the wrong reasons, BUT DO YOU KNOW MY PAIN? The pain of no one caring about you. No one calling. Waiting for an invitation that is never going to come. The pain of loneliness. Just once, I would like to take off my mask. To say I'm tired. To share my burden. To stop pretending I'm always happy. To lean on someone, instead of being the leanee. Is such a thing too much to ask for? To hell with wealth, popularity, status whatever. All i need is one person; Why do You begrudge me of this God? You always say that you have your own timing, that you have enough. So how come even though when i was faithful i still felt lonely. Now when my life, my faith, my walk is all screwed up, aren't you coming to save me?? YOU SAID YOU CARED RIGHT? I MATTERED? I'M NOT JUST ONE OF THE BILLIONS? Its a saturday, and no one messaged or called the whole day. DO YOU KNOW HOW SHIT I FEEL RIGHT NOW?

Like speed said. WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP LEAVING? Its the feeling of abandonedment. I just need someone i can unburden on. Someone who won't turn away. Someone who loves me just as much as I'm going to love her. IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR GOD? ITS BEEN 20 years already. WHY???

Yeah i figured since no one actually bothers to read. Its just i dont know. No matter how hard i try its so difficult for me to make real friends. And just when i thought i did, we all just drifted. He doesnt even bother sharing with me his problems already. And i thought we were bro's. If you are reading this, no I am not going to commit suicide. I'm just really really really sad. Anyone, save me from this hell of being alone.

Nites