If love had a price, I would glady pay.

Dead inside. Crushing loneliness. Thats my current emotional situation. Nothing seems so excite anymore. Even the music has lost most of its feeling, if not all. My life is just going doing my job, F'ing recruits. However, what hurts the most is that my weekends seem to have no one. Not a single person i can rely on to go out with, or while away the time. Everyone has drifted apart. Not surprising, considering it has already been one year since school ended.
Everyone left in Singapore is getting more screwed up. Lucy is long gone, and so is ads. Vic is still trying to fill up that gap in her heart. We are so alike, yet different. Wes said that he had no idea why we were friends in the first place, seeing that we are so different. However what i think that even though we have not really much comman topic to talk about, are feelings are basically the same. Thats why we keep on going back to that topic of feelings and relationships. Other than that, I really don't think that we have anything else in comman.
Thats why I'm trying to avoid her. Just break all contact, just like Jaime. She obviously is doing fine with her life at the moment, friends and all. Never even called me once to go out. This is why I'm feeling like shit now. We are supposed to be like good friends, but not one of my "good friends" ever bothered to ask me to go out. Just once it would be nice for someone to call you to go out and catch a show or something to that extent. I'm even fine with just chilling out. No one, not a single soul even bothers to ask how I'm doing.

Can't you hear my silent cries?

My tears that I shed as I wait for people who are never going to come. No one bothers to buy me a present for my birthday, or christmas for that matter. Not even my parents. Just once, it would be nice if someone bothered to put in the effort to do something special. Not for anything, but because of love, or even friendship. At most, its only stupid fb birthday wishes.

I'm not sure if you call this emoing, or even depression, but the feelings of lonliness seems too much to bear. It just seems so much. I'd rather spend my time chongswa. I hate weekends. Its the time when you dont have anyone. YOU THINK I LIKE SPENDING MY TIME AT THE COMPUTER MOM? Its just i have no one to go out with. Everyone is so busy with their own things that they can just overlook.

You know, I've forgotten what it feels like to be alive for so long. To laugh clearly and loudly and so carefree. Everything seems so have some dark cloud hanging. I JUST NEED A GIRLFRIEND. Call me selfish, say that its all for the wrong reasons, BUT DO YOU KNOW MY PAIN? The pain of no one caring about you. No one calling. Waiting for an invitation that is never going to come. The pain of loneliness. Just once, I would like to take off my mask. To say I'm tired. To share my burden. To stop pretending I'm always happy. To lean on someone, instead of being the leanee. Is such a thing too much to ask for? To hell with wealth, popularity, status whatever. All i need is one person; Why do You begrudge me of this God? You always say that you have your own timing, that you have enough. So how come even though when i was faithful i still felt lonely. Now when my life, my faith, my walk is all screwed up, aren't you coming to save me?? YOU SAID YOU CARED RIGHT? I MATTERED? I'M NOT JUST ONE OF THE BILLIONS? Its a saturday, and no one messaged or called the whole day. DO YOU KNOW HOW SHIT I FEEL RIGHT NOW?

Like speed said. WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP LEAVING? Its the feeling of abandonedment. I just need someone i can unburden on. Someone who won't turn away. Someone who loves me just as much as I'm going to love her. IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR GOD? ITS BEEN 20 years already. WHY???

Yeah i figured since no one actually bothers to read. Its just i dont know. No matter how hard i try its so difficult for me to make real friends. And just when i thought i did, we all just drifted. He doesnt even bother sharing with me his problems already. And i thought we were bro's. If you are reading this, no I am not going to commit suicide. I'm just really really really sad. Anyone, save me from this hell of being alone.

Nites

Gotta Be Somebody

Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déja vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, (when you're looking for) a diamond in the rough (cause you never know)
When it shows up, (make sure you're holding on)
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Man these guys are geniuses. One of the few songs that have good lyrics, and they actually are quite witty, like whoa, it never occured to me that this word can rhyme with this word before.

Nights

A Beautiful Mess

Lol. Haven't posted since forever. But then again, i didnt really have a cause to until now. And since its off my msn nick, i dont suppose people will actually bother reading it =) Its only something i like to do when i really have nothing else left to do.

Another episode, or should i say a previous episode has been closed, and im quite quite quite sure this time that it is for good. No hard feelings yeah. Your loss. You know, this is so God behind the scenes. Trails and tribulations alright, pushed me wayyy beyond my limits, limits i never thought to cross, limits i never knew existed. People i can always count on, or at least person ( the absolute bare minimum). Brokeness, i didnt really know the meaning of the word until now. Spiritually, emotionally. To build, you first need to tear down all the messed up parts of my life. Slowly, I'm getting on track. The anger is gone, the pride is somewhat gone, but I think its kinda coming back =/ What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. But i must say, even though i kinda survived this trail, for a while i never knew whether i would make it. He really doesn't test you more than you can handle, but He's worse than Sgt Charles, way tougher, but with much love. Much much love. "If I can die for you on the cross, and come back to life, what makes you think I cant set all my much more minor plans into motion?" Things i sense Him saying to me. I'm not very good at these sorta things, but its just something i somehow sense.

Scarily, I'm looking forward to going back in. These short weekends are really just some torture. You keep on trying to fill them up because you believe that it will be wasted otherwise. Many go clubbing, cause its the fastest way to fun. But its so superficial man, and thankfully my head cleared up. In camp, there will always be people 24/7. Single child syndrome, its the lonliness that kills you at home. But I'm really glad i spent the easter weekend mostly by myself, just enjoying the break. Its how you grow stronger.

Oh crap/yay. Book in day.

Nights

Prelims - 1 week's time

ARGHHHHH. So close, but i'm already tired of studying. Econs, hist, math, chem, english....theres so much to study for each!!!! Oh wells... at least i'll be much more prepared than mid years...

Studying makes you fat. Period. so much junk food goes into your system to keep you awake, and it goes straight to your belly. Just as Jin.

I need a holiday. To anywhere. With anyone. Do anything. A change of scenery. Set off on a new chase. See a new face.

Europe sounds good. An exchange program in Europe. Orchard is so boring. Its the people who keeps Singapore interesting more than anything else.

1 month's time, then I'll be free. Hang in there. Do you best. Go mug your books. I'll start tonight. No regrets. I want to travel the world guilt-free. Know i did my best. Be a Jacob, not at Esau. If I'm going to get a job, might as well get one that pays well. Get an adreneline rush. 3 days till i fence again. Don't spoil my enjoyment mum and dad. 1 night of all out, with that same high i'm addicted to. 3 more days. Till then, forget social life, forget friends, 1 month's worth of books and notes. Its just you, me, and my medication.

Nites

Everyone Pretends to be normal

The faceless normal. The curve with mean 0 and standard deviation 1. the cumalation of all that is un and in different. I actually was thinking about it today. amazingly, i realized that all my friends and the people i know are all weird in one way or the other. Vic has her abnormal clumsiness, <>< has his abnormal cockness, Denise has her abnormal properness, Gwen has her abnormal cheenaness, Jess has her abnormal best friends, the like of which includes hitler and stalin, Eryn has her abnormal outbursts, Alyssha has her abnormal bossiness for someone so small, Wes is just.....Wes, jaime has her abnormal manliness, come to think of it so does denise =p...Barney has his abnormal laziness, and so does Lionel, Tee has his abnormal obsession with online games, Lucy has his abnormal

Well yeah, you DO get the point don't you...

Nites

Mugger Mode Activated

Well the nice break, though it was short, after the exams is over. Right now, theres only that stoopid thing called the prelims and final ib exams left....THUS!!! Mugger Mode has been activated, due to overwhelming demand from my parents.

Speaking of overwhelming demand, Char demanded that i blog about our little date =/ Well it all went well, was super cool seeing her and her loudspeaker mouth and all...and it was all going nicely until we went to MODESTOS!!! Bloody, i thought that place was super nice, considering the amount of time i went there. Well since according to her she hates most seafood, she ordered this pasta stuffed with like his strange mix of minced beef, chicken and pork. Go figure why they wanna go that. ANYWAYS, the worst part was the the meat was sandy AND UNCOOKED... i mean WTH! This was minced pork and chicken we were talking about, YOU DONT EAT IT RAW, unless youre daryl ho, but thats another story. Well, when we complained and wanted a refund, they said that their policy was the everything was supposedly "ITALIAN" and therefore al dente. Well needless to say we really couldnt be bothered to do anything about it. BUT SERIOUSLY, eating raw meat is freakin digusting. Beef served medium - medium rare is quite good actually, BUT PORK AND CHICKEN??????????????????????????

Yeah, that was like the worst part of it. Then just nice Vic, tay and moo cancelled their drinking session, so we didnt go join them. ha, you wont believe it, we met HUISHAN AND SAM at that vivo lol. For those who dont know, those 2 are our pri school classmates who hooked up last year, and yes, we were all from the same p6 class. Well it was damn funny coz we just chatted after that. SAm talks A LOT MORE now, must be shan's influence =) They seriously are opposite ends of the spectrum. Well opposites attract dont they....Thats basically what happened. Fun and digusting night....

Well back to spamming math and redoing IAs =/ I just decided to write some because reviving a blog is seriously hard work, but i think if i put in a BIT, it shld be much better!

Nites

English! And sticky chewy chocolate...

Finally the 2 killer days are over!!!! i can finally relax and go back to normal mode mugging....

Went out with Vic, Jaime and Moo today. I think these guys are like my new gang =/ Can't seem to tire of hanging out with this crazy bunch of people. You got Jai-ME and moo making out in a corner talking between themselves, then Vic and I would just talk about the weather.

For some reason today, Moo wanted to go eat tao hui, dont ask me why =/ But yeah ,we went down to Bugis with him, and just nice that stoopid place was under renovation =( So what to do? Swenson!!! Wonderful place with the student deals ^^ 2 Sundaes for 10 bucks. Yes fish, we can go there next time if you like. Anyways yeah, these crazy guys, esp Vic, would prolly be the people i'm gonna go crazy with this year...

Anyways, to the good stuff! English today was my masterpiece in bsing. 5 whole sides about 2 out 3 books, 2 of which i have not finished reading... Times as adhir would put it....

Hmmmsss, anyone got onerepublic songs stuck in their heads??? I mean, its the kind of melody that i love, but theres this factor that keeps the song replaying over and over in my head =/ Note: the lyrics are quite intriguing, esp if you try to analyse them lit style... Its not even a love song!! But the feelings that it invokes are about the same....Weird right? thats what IB does to your life...

Say (All I Need) - oneRepublic

Do you know where your heart is
Do you think you can find it
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it

Do you know where your love is
Do you think that you've lost it
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you wanted

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well all I need
Is the air i breathe
And a place to rest my head

Do you know what your fate is
Are you trying to shake
You're doing your best dance, best look
Praying that you'll make it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well all i need
Is the air i breathe
And a place to rest my head
Say all i need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it

Say all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Say all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it
Until you get there
Go on
Go ahead and scream it
Just say

Haha, PROFOUND RIGHT! Notice the use of repitition by the Poet Song writer. It emphasizes the fact of blah blah blah. But yeah, this stoopid song got stuck right after i saw Edmund's choreo on it. Stoopid boy, i actually got visual representation of it now. Its gonna stay there forever.....And no, i do not like you being replayed over and over in my mind

Nites